Illustration by Keanan Eltaweel
“All eyes are on me.” This is how the student I saw being firmly talked to (at) by his teacher felt. He was mortified – you could see it in the way he held himself, literally hunched up in a the start of a ball – making himself smaller while standing.
The teacher wanted to be firm and a leader. The student could’ve upped their game – maybe – that was the implication.
The words come second to the very obvious physical manifestation of the power play going on: The stance. The locked-in stare. The vibe (how do we humans do that? Give off a ‘vibe’ – that can’t be touched, or seen, but is most certainly felt. It’s like a dark power).
What I saw and heard in those few seconds goes against the findings of proven methods of interacting and getting the best out of people. It’s a world away from the teachings of eg the Dale Carnegie school or how someone like Warren Buffet would handle a situation like this. It makes me want to cry – for the millions who are publicly shamed and embarrassed every day.
Guess what, the worse you are at something, the more courage you must muster to do it. It’s time we acknowledge this – not just as an idea, but in our daily interactions, responses, and language used.
Stop the shaming, start shining the light on these people and their actions – by acknowledging what they’re going through. Validation is hUGely powerful.
There are things that bringing out the best in people. Here’s my list:
*Deliberately find something good to start with. The person you’re engaging with is more relaxed and receptive.
*Be on the same level – physically. Perhaps both sit on chairs if there’s a significant height difference.
*Face each other.
*Smile. In your head if not with your mouth.
*Look in their eyes when you speak.
*VALIDATE what the other person is going through/ has done/ feels.
*Ask what they need to be able to do the thing you’re talking about.
*Commit to something that helps them/ enables them, outline how you will do this, when, how they will know it’s done, and how they can engage with you.
The teacher wants to be strong, no nonsense, get more from students, challenge – and wants everyone to know.
We can be these things, but also be compassionate, considerate, kind and do it all, with empathy.
Instead of focusing on what he can do to get better, this student will first struggle with shame and embarrassment. What a waste of energy, and how sad for him.
What would you add to the list to bring out the best in someone? Share it in the comments below so we can try it out – and let me know how it works for you! #ReframingLeadership #InclusiveLeadership
