“We do not think of the power stolen from us and the power withheld from us in the name of the institution of motherhood”
Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution, Rich (1976) (p. 275).
I’m all for mothering. Not keen on motherhood.
What’s the difference you might ask. Well, my definition of mothering is the relationship with my child, the experience of empowerment, wonderment and liberation. It is an experience. Not an institution.
Motherhood is a construct. A restrictive owning of someone, with unsaid expectations and demands.
Society still places unreasonable demands on mothers – in the name of motherhood – that they, in the main, do the child-rearing.
Those who question status quo are beaten down with conformist words and arguments. I know this first hand. We’ve become such conformists that both men and women bash the mother who dares – dares question, let alone do anything ‘different’ – with phrases like: ‘what do you expect’ ‘this is being a mother’ ‘you wanted to have children’ as though it has to be an either or: you either have a sense of self, or give everything over to the wonderful, dependent, fascinating creatures you are nurturing.
I’m not surprised when women tell me, in secret or racked with guilt and or despair, that if they had their time again, they wouldn’t have children. It’s not the children, they love their charges very much – it’s what these mothers, who want to mother, have had to endure in the name of motherhood.
I want my children in my life, I enjoy them and am overjoyed to share their journeys. I also want to be and do many things over the course of the next few years, and for us to share our experiences together.
Being ‘mother’ does not equal decades of servitude at the prime of women’s lives. It does not mean sacrificing values, respect, even self-worth and staying in unloving relationships ‘for the sake of the children’.
I hope that by doing my best at mothering, as a feminist mother, I will help shape the lives of a few people, who will become many more with the passing of time, to know that mothering is so very wonderful and special. And that the institution of motherhood is based on values very different to ours.
There was once a time when societies revered mothers. Now we are playing by, being judged, by patriarchal rules. Rules and systems that make it impossible to be ‘mommy’ and ‘me’.
The answer? Personally I am calling for the liberation of women. I am not the first. From what you might ask. From the artificial, imposing constructs of a patriarchal society.
Let us celebrate being mothers and mothering. I am celebrating as a feminist mother. Two words that some believe cannot go together, but that I believe are the essence of great mothering.
Here’s something very simple I wrote with the desire to get across that it’s ok to wobble, to want to regain a sense of self, to question what it is to be a mother, and how it might work so that you’re not exhausted, criticised or have tugs in opposing directions.
It’s about support. Acknowledgement. Rights. Dialogue. Equality. Respect.
Happy mothering day.
Thank you Nima for touching my soul, and that of many Mothers I know.
I have been asked by many people how come I don’t feel guilty for working while I have three children at home. And how come I insist on/manage to having a consistent bed time routine amd timing for them, and on having my “me time” every night after they sleep so I would have a shower and enjoy reading a good book or watching a good movie.
I say that most stay-at-home non working Moms that I know are frustrated, angry, even if they would not admit it, and a lot of them do not know about their children much, and do not actually spend quality time with them. While, as you, I believe in Mothering as opposed to Motherhood. I believe I am building human beings, with opinions and habits, with minds, with talents, with ambitions and dreams. I spend quality time with them. During that one hour between my arrival home and their bed time, we would play, dance, read, or just chat. I tell them stories from my own imagination, and encourage them to tell stories with magic and dragons and other planets to grow their imagination, I tell them about what I do, and I allow my eldest (11 yo) to sit next to me and see how I prepare financial reports or write emails or prepare contract drafts. The truth is, all kids are very smart, and they will only thrive if you, as their Mother, thrive as a PERSON FIRST.
No, I do not feel guilty for working, as I am setting an example for my children, I am happy, and it makes my experience as a Mother GREAT.
Yes, I do hate breastfeeding and I am not ashamed. I did breastfeed them, but I hated it. I hate having to wake up all the time when they were tiny, and I hate a lot of motherhood-related little agonies.
But, I love MOTHERING, I love the entire experience and I am proud of myself, and of my 3 children. I respect them, and I can’t wait to see them great independent individuals.
Brilliant article Nima, I think everyone even if grew up have a little kid inside and be afraid to lose it -that space of freedom-by motherhood, but by mothering she will live her childhood again and again with different taste , experiences, and sensitively feel how many things change-that space will expand-…..
my respect to you and to every proud mother